The Socialist Unity Network

The totally coolest Henry Kissinger fan site, like, ever!!

Diana Grove

Finally, a totally cool web page dedicated to the hippest, hottest, and most totally far out diplomat in the entire world! The sexiest of all Secretaries of State, the "Mouth of The Mekong" - Henry Kissinger!

Have you ever wondered what that Vietnam War thingy was all about? Have you ever wondered why South America is so, I don't know… messed up?

If you answered yes to either of these questions, Hank Kissinger is definitely the man for you! He's like the grooviest, smoothest, most velvet-tongued stud to have ever embraced foreign policy. And one of the smartest horn-rimmed hotties to stroll through the hallowed halls of the White House, since like, I don't know… Calvin Collidge!

Get hip to the latest gossip on all things HANK!

Hank's Hobbies: Sunsets, strolls along Duong Dong beach, reading the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, collecting rare sausages

Turn Ons: Heated discussions on foreign policy, girls who wear glasses, Kielbasa

Turn Offs: White shoes after Labor Day, nailbiters, Oscar Mayer

Most Prized Possesions: His snauzer "Puddles," and a very rare chorizo that had once belonged to Chilean Prime Minister Augusto Pinochet

Pet Peeves: When Finklemann's deli in Foggy Bottom is out of Bratwurst, soiled handkerchiefs, the French

Favorite fake illnesses: Dien Bien Flu, East German Measles

Favorite Movies: The Guns of Navarone, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini

Favorite Books: Strategies of Peacetime Diplomacy by Idi Amin, The Art of Sausagemaking by Fritz Grossfleisch

Favorite Colors: Black, white, and sometimes gray!

Favorite Foods: Knockwurst, Pinklewurst and Creamed Weiner Surprise

What He Would Bring If He Were Stranded On a Desert Isle:
A large woolen blanket, former Secretary of State Alexander Haig, and a Pepperidge Farm Sausage Sampler

What Hank Looks For In a Woman: A firm handshake, and the ability to pronounce the word "Ubermensch" without losing a tooth

Most Embarrassing Moment: Being called "a blood thirsty war criminal" by Tallulah Bankhead while hosting one of Pat Nixon's "Meet a Diplomat" celebrity mixers

Hank's "Quote or Not a Quote":
1) "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."

2) "Ehhh, vat's a few million dead Vietnamese between friends?"

3) "Did somebody say blutwurst?"

(All genuine Hankisms!)

Misconceptions about our man Hank:
1) That he's a big fat meanie who's killed like, zillions of people with just the stroke of his pen (ya, like a pen could do all that!)
2) He's personally responsible for the total destruction of Cambodia and Laos (Oh my God, like anyone even knows where those places are!)
3) He only likes girls with PhD's (Whew, totally close call)

Hank Quiz - True or False:
1) Did Hank kidnap and kill Chilean Prime Minister Salvadore Allende?
(Oh my God, that is like so totally false! But if he did, the guy probably totally deserved it!)

2) Did Hank hide the "credibility gap" tapes in his pants to protect President Nixon during the Watergate trial? (That's not all he hid down there girlfriend! Grrrrrrrrrrr!)

3) Is Hank Kissinger the hottest Hassid this side of west 82nd St.? (You bet yer sweet goyisheh patootie!)

Hank's Enemies List (Losers!)
1) North Vietnamese… all of them
2) That no-good limey Christopher Hitchens ( See "The Trials of Henry Kissinger" if you want a good cry)
3) Liberals

What Hottie Hank did today:
Had a breakfast of boiled Thuringer, gave a speech for $26,000, had his glasses waxed.

September 2004


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